UPDATE:
A huge congratulations to the winners of the 200 Word Blogfest Contest!!
AN Villasante's Bookend won a 10 page critique from YA author Monica BW. A very worthy win!
Thanks, Deana, for a romp of a month.
I'm excited to participate in a First 200 Words Contest for writers of Kid Lit with complete WIPs. Agent Kathleen Rushall of Marsal Lyon Literary Agency and agent-repped writer Monica BW will be judging this contest.
Deana's blogfest has been seriously mind-blowing for this writer recluse. I'm sending her (probably excessive) virtual hugs right now for welcoming me into a terrific writing community. You guys are amazingly supportive and I can't imagine that I wrote for such a long time without you!
~Fellow Blogfesters: Thanks, guys, for all your super-insightful comments throughout this month, and for your unending encouragement.
Last week, I didn't post my query for this book, as I felt it would be bad form, being the judge. This week, I'm thrilled to hear your thoughts on DARK METTLE.
| Photo by OPTUS Electrical |
DARK METTLE
YA Urban Fantasy
by Lora Rivera
First 200 Words:
Ava flattened her body against a wall, peering sideways into the vaulted living
room beyond. It was gray and desolate, just like all the other rooms -- empty but for the
shift of air and streak of chalky dust slowly resettling over the concrete
floor.
A
snake of ash-brown hair had come loose from her braid. It tickled the back of her
neck and she fought the urge to scratch. Soon now. Melissa Carter was doing
far better than Ava had expected or even hoped. True, she didn't think her foster sister would need ninja stealth skills as a rule. But just
in case . . . Just in case Ava wasn’t there someday . . .
You can do this, Mel. She held her breath and heard nothing but a dull wind gust against loose shingles. Her
muscles tightened. Then she slinked like a shadow through the stale gloom.
With roof and walls but no
electricity, the abandoned house was dark even at late afternoon.
She slowed near one of the far windows that was only partially boarded up by
plywood. Here. Treacherously, her fingers leapt for the switchblade she usually kept in her
back pocket.
~~~~~
Okay, y'all, have at! : ) And thank you thank you thank you for all your help.
Hi Lora,
ReplyDeleteThanks for your help with the queries! This leaves me with a lot of questions...in a good way. I don't have any critical critique points. You could probably lose the first sentence. I don't think it adds much. Very nice overall. I like that you start with a tense scene.
Good luck!
Hi Lora - great descriptors.
ReplyDeleteI got stuck here: "Soon now."
Perhaps the full sentence- "Should be soon now" would work better.
and here: "It wasn’t like a girl Melissa Carter’s age would need ninja stealth skills as a rule."
Is Melissa the foster sister? The sentence was a little difficult. I had trouble rewording it for you. I think its because the word "like" can be used in different ways which starts the sentence weirdly if you go with the traditional meaning.
Oh I know! - use "as if" instead.
"You can do this, Mel."
As it's so early on, I hadn't got to grips with the names so quick, so this voice threw me a bit. Especially with no speech marks - is she thinking it? saying it?
Great though - just a few tweaks. Look forward to seeing this in print!
I like this quite a bit, but I agree with losing the first sentence (or adding it to a paragraph). It isn't powerful enough to be set apart, IMO.
ReplyDeleteGotta love a gal who carries a blade because it means she's gonna get herself into some trouble!
I didn't get stuck on "Soon now." It worked just fine for me, and I could see that as an internal thought very easily.
ReplyDeleteI did wonder about the Melissa/Mel thing. Had to go back and read again. But I'm old and forget quickly.
I agree about losing the first sentence. Love the reference to ninja skills and switch blades. I want to read more.
I didn't get stuck anywhere. In fact my chest started to contract and I became very nervous. Sheesh. Talk about visceral writing. You make me want to go back to my post and deletedeletedelete.
ReplyDeleteOutside of agreeing with losing the first sentence, I don't have anything to add. You created the setting nicely and created empathy:)
ReplyDeleteI got a little confused about who moved "Then she moved, a shadow...." was that Ava moving or Melissa moving. I think Ava is teaching Melissa how to sneak and they are in an abandoned structure. But when she itched for the switchblade at the end, I wondered if maybe there was something else there. But very minor. This is beautifully written and definitely read-on-able!
ReplyDeleteI'm so curious about what's going on. A test of some sort? Stealth ninja skills? Sign me up. I totally want to keep reading. Love your description and the tension. I also got a little tripped up between Ava and Melissa, but I reread it again and got it.
ReplyDeleteOh my word Lora! I can't breath, and I'm not sure who to be more nervous for...Ava or Mel! I love the sentence about her hair getting loose and tickling her neck. I want to know more!
ReplyDelete@Sharon, Cara, Donna, er, all you guys (!) Okay! First sentence is officially canned.
ReplyDelete@Freya, Donna, Jaye, and Lori - Hmm, I'll have to work on smoothing out the Ava/Mel issue. Maybe I can lose some of the descriptor info I've packed in there, like last names and foster sister, etc.
@Freya, good insights. I'll take a look at tightening a few of those areas, thanks.
@Amy, Jamie, Lori, Kelly - Thanks, ladies!
Your writing is very suspenseful, although I'm not exactly sure what's going on yet. I'd want to read on, though, to see what the next words reveal.
ReplyDeleteP.S. I've left a reply to your comment at http://michellefayard.blogspot.com/2011/07/blogfest-first-200-words-contest.html.
And I'm a new follower!
The fantasy fragment was my very favorite but this one is definitely worth reading as well. Kisses.
ReplyDeleteHi Lora:
ReplyDeleteI got caught by 'a snake of ash brown hair' bc of your earlier statements of dust and general dirt. At first I thought her hair was falling out, and then I thought her hair was filled with ash...stupid, I know, but those thoughts came in about .5 seconds. :))
Also, she resisted the urge to scratch but then you state: soon now. Does this mean she can scratch soon or she can move soon? I realize scratching is movement but I think you're going for whole body movement and not head scratching??
And you say the room is desolate - then describe that. IMHO, just say the room is empty - you show us desolation and don't need to tell us up front.
Otherwise, I loved the suspense! Wish I could read more...
I loved the internalization. It was a great way to connect me to your character. I also felt the VOICE was very strong.
ReplyDeleteI have to disagree with the others. I loved the first sentence. I guess to each his own :)
Well done!
Very tense! I want to know what's going to happen. And I love a girl who carries a knife.
ReplyDeleteThe first line bothered me a little, especially the use of her full name. It's the beginning of the book. Ot's enough to know it's a girl called Ava. We don't need to know her last name.
holy crap, lora -- that rocked! it was tense and slick and totally polished. The sister reference was dropped in there, and after a second I caught right on -- that was a very SMART way of dropping a character in without giving them a full intro. NICE. i definitely want to read more.
ReplyDeleteDang it! I wanted to think on this before leaving a comment. I went to mow the lawn, and now that I've returned, the archway line is gone. I love the image that archway conjured up in my mind. It gave a feeling of anticipation.
ReplyDeleteWriting is so terribly subjective, isn't it? No one person looks at it the same way, and so in the end we must go with our gut. Your work is lovely, Lora. No complaints! (Just remind me not to enter a competition with you again, I don't stand a chance! :P)
@unikorna, Michelle, Amber: Thanks, lovely ladies.
ReplyDelete@Melodie: Hmm, definitely lots of food for thought here. Gonna have to real buckle down to see what I can do.
@Kate: You're totally right. Last name nixed. Thank you!
I'm honestly not sure what do with that previous first line: "Dust churned in the hollow gray archway." Lindy, Angie, you guys liked it, but a half dozen others didn't. I like it because it's a short, descriptive sentence that puts us in scene without distracting us from the MC. Then I get to bring Ava in with a little more leisure.... Dunno....
Very good on the whole. Each step builds the tension, only a couple of minor linguistic choices I would change.
ReplyDelete"Ava thought silently" Does this really need 'silently', first off it's an adverb, secondly I have yet to hear a noisy thought, they're inherently silent. ;)
"ash brown" has me wondering about the colour. I've never seen brown ashes.
"like a shadow" and "fingers itched" are cliches, but I'm getting down to the tiniest of nits to pick here. Neither are a problem for me, just a place where you could find your own descriptor instead of re-using a tried and true one.
On the whole though, I like it. What happens next?
Overall I really enjoyed this! Only one thing stuck out to me and Melodie mentioned it already. The resisting the urge to scratch followed by the soon now. I would just add a transition there. Other than that, I think it reads great!
ReplyDeleteReading the first 200 words is hard for me. I usually go to the end and read the last chapter of a book. Yeh, last chapter. Then I go to the front and begin. I think it gives me a reference point because my thoughts skip way too fast and form questions that throw me off. That said, the first lines brought visions of being partialy blind because of the grey beyond the immediate vision of the girl. Then the body flat against the wall and dust settling through the air conjured up an earthquake scene. All of this is my own problem...just wanted you to know why I always look for a reference point in a story for me.
ReplyDeleteLoved the hair/snake reference and neck tickling. You bring in a lot of good sensory descriptions.
Girls with knives...bring it on!
This is very tense, and I love it! Abandoned houses, ninja references, knives...heck yeah. And I really like the title as well. I would definitely read on.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed the tension that you created. You've hooked me and I NEED to find out why she wants her switchblade.
ReplyDeleteI assume you took the first sentence off already because I like the one you have now.
I'm Okay with Soon now if it's a thought.
kathy
Nicely done, Lora! It has all the tension a page-turner needs to keep me up all night reading. Here are my very picky and I mean very, very picky comments.
ReplyDeleteI'd move the first sentence..Ava flattened... in front of... A snake of ash brown hair... I love this sentence so I want it tightened ...had come loose into how it had come loose-- Fallen, dropped, been pulled out by a cut in the cement, etc.
Secondly, heard nothing but wind gusting against loose shingles. If wind was rustling against loose shingles, wouldn't one hear knocking, rubbing or something more than the wind?
Like a shadow... I love, love, love the image in my mind of... slinking through the stale gloom. I think your sentence will be stronger without a shadow reference.
treacherously dark...I'm not a fan of adjectives or adverbs unless they can be used in a way to describe something in a way that has never or rarely been done before. I'd prefer just plain dark
Her fingers itched... Now here's where I'd prefer to see a word like treacherously used, as in her fingers treacherously itched for the switchblade...
But very well done, my dear!
Oh thank you, Mark and Karin, for catching those details. Your advice is invaluable.
ReplyDeleteDonna, I do see your point. I read jackets for the same reason and usually let covers guide my reading more than I probably should.
Nicole, Melodie, Kathy, what if I just put "Soon now" in italics...?
Also, Karin, Re: "treacherously." YES. You're totally right. Maybe I should workshop this one instead of querying it ;)
Lora,
ReplyDeleteThis is fab! I can't think of anything to add, you’ve gotten great comments. I think this is a wonderful start and leaves me wanting more. I love the line about the snake of hair.
Leigh
Lora, I usually don't read this genre, but I must admit I was intrigued by your beginning. Great opening scene!
ReplyDeleteI think this opener is the definition of "in media res," and I love that we feel completely swept away before we even really know what's going on. Excellent job!
ReplyDeleteA quick/random thought... Is there any way you could add some smells here? You already describe the chalky dust and stale air, but could you perhaps heighten those a bit so we really feel like we can smell this room right alongside Ava? (Smell is my favorite sense in books... It's so visceral and immediate!)
LisaAnn, Ooo, definitely. I was trying to do that with stale, but it's not quite there, is it? Thanks!
ReplyDeleteLorena, thanks so much for stopping by! Great interview with Elizabeth Kracht on your blog right now :) I tweeted about it.
<3333 Leigh.. :)
Great job on setting up the scene. It catches my interest.
ReplyDeleteHi Lora,
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you enjoyed the interview! Thank you for mentioning it on Twitter!
Lora, I'm brand new here - thanks for your critique over at Mother. Write. (Repeat.) I love your writing. The only place I paused: describing the flooring of the house as concrete. When I think of flooring, I picture hardwood or tile. Concrete reminds me of a warehouse. I know concrete flooring is becoming more mainstream in the design world, but it slowed me down. I, too, loved the reference to ninja skills and switch blades. Really nice!
ReplyDeleteWoohooo! Thanks so much for the shout-out, and thanks again for EVERYTHING this past month. I'm so glad I met you! :)
ReplyDelete