A Guide to Understanding Your Workplace

OR

When to Quit Two Jobs in Two Weeks

Do you notice the following practices being observed at your place of work?

1. Providing break room chocolate is a positive workplace gesture, to be availed of in addition to providing break room cockroaches.
2. Workplace basements should avoid giving quarter to squatters, haunts or spooks. This generally is easier in theory than in practice.
3. It's a good policy in bookstores to hire employees who can count.
   
4. It's a poor policy in bookstores to hire employees who can count in order to perform manual yearly inventory. It is, however, acceptable to task an employee who cannot read with such a counting project. 
5. When assessing items at the trade counter, employees are expected to refrain from raising eyebrows in the face of:
• dead rats
• dead beetles
• dead human parts (hair, skin, nails, etc.)
• live rats, beetles, scorpions, etc.
• knives, guns, bombs
• complete collections of McDonald's Happy Meal toys
• condoms, dildos, S&M toys
• bad self-portraits
• self-pornography
• child pornography
• blatant racist artwork, etc.
• stashes of empty liquor bottles
• stashes of half-full liquor bottles
• drug paraphernalia
• drugs in little plastic baggies
6. It is appropriate to smile at the trading customer and suggest that they take their valuables down to one of the nearby thrift stores, as "we aren't able to use any of your treasures at this time, I'm afraid."
7. Being caught filching "treasure" from the trade counter is strictly prohibited.
8. When in need of personal favors:

• DO preface your question in a private place and then ask politely of a trusted coworker
• DO REFRAIN FROM the urge to enter your trusted coworker's office, close the door, and remove your clothing (jacket, dress, bra), before asking your question.
9. Female employees are expected to dress professionally; "remember that you are representing the agency." Translation: Female employees are expected: 
• to turn heads as they enter the workplace
• to be complimented and to compliment others on their appearance at appropriately frequent intervals throughout the workday
• to blush when complimented or otherwise act demurely if unable to blush (lower eyes, flutter hands, murmur rather than enunciate gratitude)
• to present polished fingernails and toenails (if clients, customers, and/or male coworkers might be otherwise offended or uncomfortable)
• to wear makeup (if clients, customers,  and/or male coworkers might be otherwise offended or uncomfortable)
• to wear dresses or skirts whenever feasible; legs must be shaved or covered by stockings, boots, tights, leggings, etc.
• to wear perfume, lotions, and scented deodorant if and only if your body odor could offend or discomfort clients, customers, and/or male coworkers
• to laugh at jokes, but not too loudly.
10. Break room coffee creamer can be a point of contention; provide individual non-dairy packets to prevent the forming of hostile cliques.
11. Encourage employees to take frequent advantage of smoke breaks: to strengthen morale and more importantly to allay financially encumbering mental health incidents, such as panic and anxiety attacks, which can often precipitate reputation-costly events.
12. Above all, encourage employees to say "yes."